


The Razor's Edge

by St0lenm0ments



Category: Rise of the Guardians (2012)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Cutting, Depression, Falling In Love, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Jack Frost - Freeform, Loneliness, Love, Sad, Sad with a Happy Ending, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-12
Updated: 2019-11-09
Packaged: 2020-08-19 15:44:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 20
Words: 20,942
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20212252
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/St0lenm0ments/pseuds/St0lenm0ments
Summary: Jack Frost, notorious trouble maker and guardian of fun, almost always has a sparkly smile on his face. Hidden in that almost always smile, is a dangerous habit. He cages his painful thoughts in the bottom of his heart like wild animals. The pain needs somewhere to go before it beats down the walls he built around himself. When he figures out that cuts feel better than thoughts, Jack is on his way down a deadly path.A/N~(I'm not encouraging people to hurt themselves I just want to offer a scenario in which someone in pain finds it can get better through the support of friends/family and perseverance)





	1. Chapter 1

"I have to go, Jamie, there's a guardian meeting tonight," I said patting Jamie's head.

Even though we'd had hours to mess around in the snow I had made for us, I still didn't want to leave. 

"I'll see you later, kid." I waved goodbye while I called the wind to take me to the North Pole.

The sky took me into its cloudy embrace as a wildly waving Jamie exclaimed,"bye Jack!"

When I looked back at him still waving goodbye, I felt my mood deteriorating and I couldn't quite figure out why that was.

The flight to North's place was as smooth as it could be as it started to rain. The chilly droplets whipping at my cheeks turned to hail when my thoughts drifted to a dark place. I didn't know why my mind was this way. We had just defeated Pitch a week ago, and I wasn't alone anymore. I guess spending centuries with no one to talk to had its effect me; or maybe it's because I miss the family I didn't know I had.

I didn't feel the pellets pounding my body, all I could feel was longing for something I was missing. I tried to shove the thoughts from my head as I flew into the globe room through an open window. One of the yetis must have left it open for me. I forced a smile at their thoughtfulness, but my head was still swarming with painful thoughts. I quickly smacked myself upside the head to remind myself that I am the guardian of fun, and I need to be happy. I can say that to myself all I want, but the icy pellets falling from the sky say something different. If I don't keep my emotions under control, the other guardians might catch on.

"Jack, you're soaking wet." Tooth said as she fluttered up to me with bunny behind her.

But before I could come up with a response Bunny chimed in. "And late... and what's up with the hail mate?"

"Yeah, I noticed it too, are you feeling all right?" Tooth expressed concern as she hovered over me.

So much for hoping they didn't catch on.

I fought to come up with a response, when finally, I blurted out the only thing that came to mind. "I was a little stressed about being late, that's all."

"Then maybe you should try being on time for once," Bunny laughed.

I felt bad for lying, but I didn't want them to look at me differently. There wouldn't be anymore harmless teasing like bunny always does. I would never tell him this but I think our arguments and meaningless insults are fun. If I told them how I really feel they would think I couldn't handle it. 

"Well anyway, come on. North and Sandy are in here." Tooth said shoving me into the meeting room.

As soon as I walked in, I saw everyone there waiting for me. I silently prayed that I hadn't caused them to wait for too long.

"Right, now that Jack's here, I'll give my weekly report." North voiced as I took a seat next to Sandy. "In the week since we defeated Pitch we don't have as many believers, but some new lights have popped up on the globe. More good news is we haven't lost any since then. Anyone want to go next?" As he finished Tooth's hand shot up.

"Okay, so exciting news you guys, I've gotten back twenty believers from collecting teeth. Sadly, some children think it's their parents still, but I'm figuring out a way to get them to believe too." Tooth was so excited she was fluttering above her seat without even realizing it. When she calmed down, she softly landed back in her chair.

"I'll go next." Said Bunny as he sat up straighter in his chair. "I gained three believers, it'll probably be rough until next Easter but I've still-" I zoned out and before I knew it, it was my turn.

As I opened my mouth to speak, I realized I had nothing to report.

"I-I don't have any new believers..." I'd been so busy with Jamie and his friends that I completely forgot to think of getting new people to believe in me. For centuries I was alone and was used to no one being able to see me, so when someone finally could-

North interrupted my thoughts with words of encouragement "Well that's all right Jack, I mean you're the reason we have any believers left. That said, I think it would be wise to come up with one of those crazy schemes of yours to get more believers." All the while I was thinking of how I hadn't felt like myself lately and didn't think I could still come up with one of my 'crazy schemes.'

"Yeah, a crazy scheme, thanks North. I will actually go get on that right now." I didn't wait for a response before I strutted across the cool marble floor and over to an intricately designed stain glass window. I opened it and saluted to my fellow guardians before the wind sucked me up and away.

I could hear the guardians laughing behind me. Laughing because I was the guardian of fun; I was spontaneous. This was a very Jack-like thing to do.

I don't know how long I flew or where I was going until I got there. My feet landed on the tree branch of an oak near the lake I died in.

Suddenly rage surged through my veins.

I was angry at myself for not being happy and angry at everyone else for expecting me to be. Deep down I knew it wasn't anyone's fault, but I wanted so badly to feel something.

I created an icicle with a sharp point and threw it as hard as I could at a tree across from the one I was standing on. To my surprise, it didn't shatter against the rough bark but stuck in it like a dart. I threw one after another, each one sticking in like the first. I took extra care to create the last one, making it the sharpest of them all. I was preparing to assault the poor tree for the last time when the dagger of ice slipped from my grip. In my attempt to catch the slippery thing, it cut my hand.

"Ah!" I yelped at the sudden pain as my creation shattered on the ground.

My breath ragged from the rush of adrenaline, I sank against the bark of the oak. My anger started to slowly melt away. I didn't understand why until I saw the blood dripping from my hand. It was calming.

I made another icicle with my uninjured hand and looked at it long and hard as if it would tell me what I should do. I finally tossed the icicle on the ground, deciding that it would be crazy to cut my own skin on purpose. Even though my mind told me not to, that didn't stop me from thinking about it the whole time I flew back to Jamie's.


	2. Chapter 2

I knocked at Jamie's window and a bit of frost sparkled across it. I heard him stir from his sleep and then saw a light flicker on.

A tired-looking Jamie came to the window and let me in.

"Jack? What are you doing here?" Jamie asked in a groggy voice.

"I just.." The truth is I didn't really know what I was doing at his window. I just needed a friend. "I got bored."

Jamie laughed "You wanna sleep over?"

"Oh.. I wouldn't want to intrude."

Based on the look on Jamie's face, he wasn't taking no for an answer. He dragged me into his room by my injured hand. Blood started to trickle out of my skin again and I watched it forgetting Jamie was there. I felt the same calm wash over me.

"What happened to your hand? Were you fighting a scary monster? Did you win?" Jamie's face lit up at the thought and I didn't have the heart to tell him that the 'monster' was my own anger.

"You bet I did. I gave 'im one of these" I said as I reenacted a made up fist fight. "And one of these." I kicked the air as Jamie laughed and we both fell to the floor.

I'm still Jack Frost; I still know how to have fun.

"Wait just a minute, don't you have school tomorrow?" I gave Jamie a questioning look while trying to hold back the laughter.

"Yeah, but I'll be fine." Suddenly his face lit up again. "Hey, Jack do you want to go with me?"

"What? Go with you to school? I don't know if I-"

"Come on, please I don't have any classes with my friends and no one else really talks to me." I felt a twinge of sadness for Jamie. I know how lonely it can get with no one to talk to.

"Okay, fine I'll go. But you need to get back to bed"

Jamie looked as if he'd just realized something and his face fell. He looked deep in thought.

"Jack.."

"Yeah?"

"You didn't get that cut from a fight did you?"

I was taken aback by his sudden insight, but before I could respond he continued.

"I've seen cuts like that before.." Tears started to brim his eyes.

"Hey, Jamie... I wouldn't do something like that. Truth is, I was making icicles, I lost my hold on one and it cut me." I said looking into his eyes to ensure him I was telling the truth.

"Okay, I believe you..." He stared somewhere just past my face at an old family photo.

"You would tell me if you were ever unhappy, right Jack?"

Oh no, I can't tell him but I can't lie to him either. I'm supposed to be a fun, happy guy. I can't let the children down.

"I-"

I started to speak but was cut off by Jamie rushing in for a big hug. I guess my eyes gave me away. I can fake a smile but I can't stop the pain from seeping into the silver-blue pools.

"You don't have to be strong all the time Jack. It's okay."

I stared down at him for a second before finally hugging him back. This ten-year-old believer was wiser beyond even my years.

"Thank you, Jamie."

We stayed like that until Jamie fell asleep. I carried him to his bed and took a spot on the floor for myself. Still thinking over what Jamie had said, my eyelids started to close by themselves and I gave in to a much-needed sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter is so short! But I'd really like to know what you think of it so far? And if you think there's anything I can do to make it better, I'm open to suggestions <3 thanks for reading :)


	3. Chapter 3

My eyes fluttered open to Jamie staring at me. Startled, my body lurched forward and we knocked heads.

"Ow!" Jamie exclaimed with one eye open rubbing his head. "It's time for school, although I may have a concussion now."

I laughed despite the throbbing pain.

Something else lingered there after the pain subsided. Like the remnant of a bad dream or feeling. It was too hazy to tell the difference.

"You alright Jack?"

"Huh? Oh yeah, I'm fine."

Jamie paused for a second just to be sure and then added, "I would start getting ready if I were you, we leave in like twenty minutes."

"Oh, right gotta look good for my first day of school where no one but you can see me." I looked down at my old blue hoodie, straightened it out a little, and looked back up. "How's this?"

Jamie analyzed me, looking me up and down. "Very Jack Frost," Jamie replied.

Good, at least I looked the part.

Twenty minutes went by fast. Soon enough it was time to leave, but his mom wasn't home to drive us. Instead, she'd left a note that said she had an early morning meeting she had to get to.

"I guess we have to walk, but we'll be late." Jamie sulked.

"Hey, who says we can't fly." I twirled my staff around in one hand as his eyes lit up from excitement.

I grabbed Jamie's hand and started to run outside. Soon our feet weren't hitting the ground anymore as the wind softly lifted us higher and higher.

"This is amazing! We should fly to school every day!" Jamie shouted ecstatically.

I smiled as the breeze ruffled through my hair.

I don't know what got into me yesterday. There wasn't anything to worry about, I've got Jamie and the other guardians. Whatever it was, it's passed now.

We landed near the back entrance of the school in the bushes. I looked around to see that no one was there.

"Coast is clear Jamie, let's go." I ran off toward my first day of school.

"Haha, wait up don't run."

I reached the back doors and stopped. It might be weird if the doors just opened on their own so I decided it would be best if Jamie opened them.

"You do the honors." I gestured to the doors as he pushed through them.

"This is going to be the best day of school ever, Jack. Come on I'll show you to my locker."

Every hour that went by, I felt more and more like my old self. I threw a snowball at one of the grumpy teachers, and let's just say my magic snow doesn't work as well on adults. The only word I can think of that's ridiculous enough to describe the way he looked is flabbergasted.

Everything was going smoothly until lunch rolled around.

"I never knew rocks could be so agonizingly boring." I joked as Jamie set his lunch on a roundtable.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a shadow appear and chills ran down my spine.

It couldn't be.

I whipped my head toward it as I heard a faintly familiar laugh. I narrowed my eyes and listened for it again, but it never came.

"I'll be right back Jamie."

"Alright, where are you-" 

I didn't wait for him to finish as I went off to search for the shadow.

I looked everywhere, even the bathroom.

I opened every stall and on the last one, I heard a voice.

'You'll never be accepted. You aren't the Jack Frost they think you are.'

"Shut up! Who are you?" I looked around wildly, desperate to find whatever was spewing my deepest thoughts and rip it to shreds. "You don't know me!"

'But of course, I do, I am you.'

I collapsed to the floor. It was so hard to breathe.

Someone opened the bathroom door and I reached out to them.

"Help." I squeaked out.

They passed right through me like I wasn't anything at all. Maybe I'm not anything at all. If I'm not Jack Frost then who am I.

I pulled my injured hand up to my face.

I need it all to stop. I can't take all this back and forth, I just needed to be okay now.

Without hesitation, I made another icicle as sharp as the one that had cut my hand before. I quickly rolled up my sleeve before I changed my mind and sliced through my skin. Blood and relief washed over me.

I could finally breathe easy.

After I was satisfied with watching the blood drip out of me, I grabbed a paper towel to stop it.

I heard a muffled voice calling for me from outside the bathroom. Panic rushed through my veins. I can't let Jamie see me like this.

I wrapped the paper towel around my arm and yanked down my sleeve. Standing wasn't easy but I managed to scramble to my feet before the bathroom door flew open.

"Jack what are you doing? Class is about to start again." Jamie eyed the arm that was now behind my back, hiding the icicle-covered in my blood.

"I was just... I wanted to pull some more pranks before we had to sit through more of that torture." I was lying through my teeth and I hated that it was to my best friend, but I couldn't tell him the truth.

"Alright... What's behind your-"

He was cut off by the screech of an alarm.

Talk about saved by the bell.

"Oh, shoot that's the fire alarm, we have to go outside," Jamie explained.

"Okay, I'll be right behind you," I said as he rushed out of the bathroom.

I threw the icicle away, made sure there was no trace of what I had done, and ran after him.

Just yesterday I thought it was crazy to cut my own skin. But now? Now I understood that it was my only hope for sanity.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is on wattpad too and I generally do update there first if you'd rather read it there and it's under the same username. Anyway, thanks for reading :)


	4. Chapter 4

My thoughts had a way with timing. As in they had the absolute worst timing.

As the alarm was screeching, and I was running, images of the good days were flashing through my head. The days when I had a family and hope.

Me feet halted in their journey to find Jamie and instead carried me to where the wind would find me. I flew just outside of town, hoping I could find some peace in nature.

As I landed on a sturdy-looking tree, I heard a voice.

"Wait up a second, let me get my coat on and then we can play."

It was a sweet and gentle voice. It pulled me in like it was calling for me.

I hid behind the shadows of a large pine tree even though she probably wouldn't see me anyway. I peeked out just enough to see her pulling on a mid-thigh length yellow coat with a fur-lined hood. Her hair was a silky strawberry blonde that fell in soft natural waves and ended at her shoulder blades. Her face was as delicate and as gentle as her voice. Well, this girl is truly beautiful.

I was torn from my trance when I heard a dog bark.

"What are you barking at Sammy? Is Jack frost nipping at your nose?"

I gasped and leaned back on my staff for support as my mind did a 180 and hope surged through me.

Did she just say my name? Could she possibly believe in me?

I wasn't waiting to find out; I stepped out of my hiding place and into plain sight.

My hope was just squashed again when she continued.

"Oh, there's nothing to worry about ol' girl, Jack Frost isn't real. It's just an old tale mom used to tell us."

"No... I-I'm right here." I tried knowing full well they couldn't hear me.

I sought out something- anything that might get this angelic girl to believe. Just then, I remembered what I did to get Jamie to see me. I would wait until she went back inside and then I would make a miracle.

Watching her play with her dog was the most fun I'd had in days. There was a special bond between the two that I could see.

"All right, I'm all tuckered out, let's go inside."

She led Sammy into the house and took off her coat. Just as the door was about to close behind her I slid through it.

She unknowingly led me to her room where I began to frost the windows to get her attention.

She looked over, so I started to draw my name.

"W-what... Mom?" The girl asked.

I wrote 'no.'

"Who... Jack Frost? Are you real?"

'Yes'

Her eyes went wide when she finally saw me. I could feel the new life rush through me as another light popped up on the globe. A light just for me.

"Mom was right all along... Y-you're really here! In my room."

I didn't really think this through, I couldn't even think of what to say. With a dumb smile plastered across my face, I said the safest thing I could. "Uh, hey."

I'm such an idiot. I mentally face-palmed myself for that ever poetic 'hey.'

I was starting to get anxious when she said, "My mom used to see you flying around and playing with kids. She always told me you were very handsome, and I never believed her but-"

"Wait, she could see me? How?"

Only believers could see me but I didn't think anyone believed in me back then.

"I don't know how, but from what I remember she was always a very special person."

I couldn't believe it. Someone out there believed in me.

"Well, do you believe her now?"

"What? That you're real, or that you're handsome?" She said with a smirk.

"Well, you can see me, so I'm assuming you believe I'm real."

"I guess you're right, but the second one is a secret." She said with a laugh.

She probably thinks I'm ugly. I don't blame her, I think so too.

To avoid thinking too much I decided to make conversation. "So... Um, why were you talking about your mom in the past tense?"

She sat down on her bed and looked down at her hands.

"Sorry that was too personal, you don't have to answer that if you don't want to."

"No, no, it's fine. I don't know what happened to her one day she just left and never came back. My dad was never a part of the picture, I never knew him. But I live here with my grandparents."

"I'm so sorry. I can kind of relate." I said, looking at her looking at her hands.

Suddenly, she looked up at me.

"What about you though? What's your family like?"

Now that was a question I wasn't prepared to answer. My whole family is gone. I don't remember any of their names, only what they looked like and what it felt like to love them.

"Well, my family is all gone. I had a sister and a mother. I don't think I knew my father..." The feeling of not knowing my own past made me so angry. I'm so sorry I don't remember your names, you deserve to be remembered.

The girl whose name I don't know reached up and put her hand in mine.

"Then I guess we're in the same boat." She smiled an award-winning smile.

The smile didn't last long as I turned around and saw the signal lights that were telling me to come back to the pole.

"Oh, crap I- I have to go." I dropped her hand and ran over to her bedroom window.

"Wait, where are you going?"

"I have to go to the North pole, it's an emergency."

"Will I see you again?"

"Only if you want to."

"I do... Oh, you don't even know my name, how rude of me. I'm Kate Alder."

"It's been a pleasure, Kate Alder." I got up on the windowsill with my staff and looked back at her.

I waved goodbye and leaped into the wind.


	5. Chapter 5

The wind whipped at my hair furiously. She was pulling me back as if telling me not to go.

"They might need me. Please let go, I need to help them."

The wind gave up its hold on me like I'd asked, but I could still feel her waiting to snatch me up again if she deemed necessary.

When I arrived at the North pole it was eerily quiet.

I burst through the front doors and a yeti groaned as a gust of wind brought from outside, knocked over the pile of toys he was working on. Any other time I would have laughed, but I was on a mission.

"North! What happened?" I shouted as I reached the globe room.

Bunny and Tooth shared a look, their eyes filled with worry.

Sandy looked less worried than he did ready to fight. He was making images so fast with his dream sand, I couldn't make out what he was trying to say.

"Jack, it's Manny. He's chosen a new guardian." Said Tooth, her wings flapping fast enough to cause a hurricane.

"You guys look like someone just died, who did Manny pick? Is it really that bad that you had to send the lights?" I was slowly walking toward them when I felt the same chills run down my spine as I did just hours ago at Jamie's school.

"Hello, Jack."

My skin crawled at that voice. I gripped my staff with a familiar rage and whipped my head to see Pitch Black standing behind me.

"What are you doing in here? Get out!" I seethed and pointed my staff right at his face.

I slowly calmed down and lowered my arm as I felt Tooth's hand rest on my shoulder.

"He's the new guardian. Manny changed his powers, Jack. He's one of us now." Her soothing voice caused my breathing to steady, but I still had a death grip on my staff.

"But why? Why do we need a new guardian?"

How could Pitch possibly help the very same children he tried to hurt?

I took a closer look at Pitch and realized that he was no longer all gray and black. He had normal skin, but still wore black clothing. How could he have changed so much in a matter of weeks?

"What we've come to understand is that Manny changed Pitch's powers mate. He can't make nightmares anymore," explained Bunny. "He sent Pitch because there are many children that are depressed. There are too many taking their own lives. His new powers will help find them and tell us what they need to be happy again; That is his new purpose."

Bunny's calm act was betrayed by his eyes, he felt just as much resentment for Pitch as I did.

"We can't just trust him after all the bad he's done-"

"Do you trust Man in Moon?" North asked, a seriousness replacing any other feeling once held in his eyes.

The answer should have come easy, but this time it wasn't so simple.

*****

After we ended our discussion about Pitch, he didn't say a single word. He just stared at me with pitying eyes that made me sick.

The other guardians eventually left us alone to talk, but that was the last thing I wanted to do.

"I'm so sorry, Jack. I know now that what I did-"

"You're sorry? How could someone like you ever understand what it's like to be sorry?" Pitch didn't respond, but instead gave me another disgusting look of pity.

I felt so much rage it needed somewhere to go, but I couldn't cut while Pitch was here. I'm sure it would only satisfy him to see me in such a state.

"Jack I know you're depressed."

I shot him an icy cold glare. "I don't know what you're talking about, you know nothing about me. How could the guardian of fun be depressed? You're just full of it aren't you."

"Roll up your sleeves Jack, I can help you."

"Help me? The only way you can help me is if you stop talking about me like you know me. Like you understand what I'm going through. I don't need your help."

I couldn't take another second of this, but my feet didn't have enough energy to take me anywhere else.

Just when I thought my knees would give out, the wind came through a window and took me into its graceful arms. Before I knew it, I was far away from the North pole and far away from the suffocation of everything that happened today.

For the first time ever I swore I heard the wind talk to me, but it was swept away as she set me down. I could no longer feel her mothering touch and tears came to my eyes. I needed that affection, I couldn't live without it.

I made an ice dagger that glinted under the light of the moon.

"I'm sorry Manny, I know I'm not who I used to be."

I made too many cuts on my left wrist earlier that day so I had to move to the right one.

For everything I've ever lost, a cut. For every self-loathing thought, a cut. For everything I couldn't remember, 20 cuts. I was slashing until all I could feel was the cold of the dagger in my hand.

My arm enveloped in red, made it seem like I was never made of skin at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know if this is too cheesy lol, as always thank you for reading ;3


	6. Chapter 6

"Jack, get up! Let's go play"

I know that voice.

My groggy eyes opened to a wooden room and a girl standing over me. My body shot out of bed and we knocked heads, just like with Jamie.

I let my eyes focus and realized why I knew her voice; she's my Sister.

It all felt so real, at least the pain in my head did, but how could it be? 

"I'm so sorry, are you okay? What's going on?"

Instead of answering, she flashed a toothy smile and grabbed my hand. She dragged me out of the cot I was laying on and forced my bare feet to hit a cold, dirty floor.

"Let's go, Jack, it's time to play!" She led me through a run-down old cabin that looked familiar, but I couldn't quite place where I remembered it from.

"Where are we going?" I said out of breath.

She didn't have time to respond because a stabbing pain shot through my arms and I fell to my knees. Blood was pouring out like tears, seeping through a bandage I didn't remember putting on. I watched in horror as my sweet sister dropped my arm and gasped.

Oh no, she can't see this!

"I'm sorry Jack, I didn't mean to reopen your cuts. I guess it was a little too soon to play again." She looked guiltily down at her hands.

She already knew and wasn't completely horrified?

"No this isn't your fault, i-it's mine. I'm sorry, I didn't know what else to do."

She looked back up at me with sad eyes. "You could have talked to me Jack, you can tell me anything."

Tears threatened to spill over. "No, I can't, this is all a dream. I'll wake up soon and probably never see you again. I don't even know your name, and I'm so sorry I forgot about you."

She reached up to touch my face with gentle hands. "It's okay, I'll tell you my name again Jack. I'll tell you every time you forget it. You just have to learn where to listen."

The cabin started to dissolve, and eventually, so did she. Her touch never left my cheek though, even after she disappeared.

****

"No! Please come back!" I shouted as my eyes flew open again, but to the real world this time.

I looked around wildly for my sister, but all I saw were trees. I must have passed out after cutting.

I made a move to get up when I noticed the same bandage on my arm.

"What in the..." I questioned as I pulled my sleeve down over it.

I looked up to the moon in hopes for some answers. "What did she mean Manny? Where am I supposed to listen?"

I waited for a whole minute and then gave up.

"Yeah, I forgot you like to keep all the answers to your-"

An image flashed through my mind and abruptly cut me off. I saw Baby Tooth and me sitting in the ice-walled pit Pitch threw us in.

"That's where I have to go?" I looked to Manny again, expecting anything to let me know I was on the right track. He just stared down at me as if to say, 'if you wanted answers, you to have to find them yourself.' Classic Manny.

I flew fast with determination and finally, my feet found their destination. I landed on the cold sheen of ice and searched every nook and cranny. 

There were no answers to be found here. I know Manny meant what he showed me, it must've had some other meaning though. 

"Why can't anything ever be easy!" I screamed into the white-blue blanket that was the sky.

I slid my back against the wall of ice and embraced the cold of it through my hoodie. I'm so weak, how did I let myself get this way?

I lowered my head onto my knees and sobbed.

Not too long after, a nurturing hand rested on my shoulder. It was so nice to have someone's touch at a time like this, that I didn't look up to see who it was until the tears stopped coming.

"Are you okay?"

My body tensed. That was Pitch's voice, but it somehow sounded different; It was filled with concern.

"What do you want Pitch? I said to leave me alone."

"How could I possibly? Your cries were the loudest thing in my head."

"Sorry I won't cry anymore," I said as I formed an icicle.

I didn't care if Pitch saw me, he would probably rejoice at the fact that my annoying cries were out of his head.

I rolled up my sleeves and prepared to destroy my own skin again.

"Jack stop!"

Suddenly Pitch ripped the ice dagger from my shaking palms and tossed it out of reach.

"You know I can just make another one right?"

"Then I'll keep throwing them until you see what a mistake you're making."

Pitch's words surprised me; he's never said anything so kindly.

"Like I said, you don't know anything about me, so stop pretending you do." My breaths were labored and shaky. I could feel a panic attack coming on and I didn't intend on letting Pitch stop me from doing what I need to do again.

He stared me down as if trying to read my very soul.

"That's just it Jack, I know when people are hurting. I can hear your thoughts just like everyone else's. Ever since I got these new powers, your thoughts have been the loudest. I think Manny sent me to make things right with you, and that's what I intend to do."

Before I had time to think, the former Boogy Man embraced me.

I stiffened up and stammered, "wh-what are you doing?" The anxiety slowly melted into intense confusion when he didn't let go right away.

"You need a friend right now, and I understand that I don't fit that role, but I still need you to calm down. You hold so much weight on your shoulders, Jack. Doesn't it ever get tiring?"

It's exhausting, but I'd never tell him that.

"It's okay, I heard it anyway," he said as he released me. "Now, there's somewhere you need to be. A certain girl named Kate is missing you right about now."

"How do you know Kate?"

"I don't, I can hear her thoughts. She's feeling a little upset that you haven't come to visit."

"What are you talking about? I just met her a few hours ago." As I finished speaking, I realized I didn't know how long I was passed out. "Oh no, how long was I gone?" I cringed waiting for the answer.

"You were gone three days. Your thoughts quieted so I thought you'd killed yourself. I almost told the others, but I decided it was your secret to bear, not mine."

"Well, I didn't kill myself. Thanks for not spilling my guts, but I'm gonna go before I lose one of my very few friends," I said coldly. I flew off to Kate's house before he had the chance to attack me with any more hugs. 

How could he say that the one thing that makes me feel okay is a mistake? He doesn't understand, I need hose cuts. When I'm cutting, it's like nothing bad matters anymore. 

I landed on Kate's front porch and subconsciously started to pick at my scabbed over cuts. Taking a deep breath, I stepped up to the door and rang the doorbell. Not long after, it swung open and I was dragged inside by my wrist.

"Hey, I was starting to think you were never coming back," she whisper-laughed. 

"Why are you whispering?" I asked. I didn't have to wait long for an answer when another voice that I didn't recognize called to Kate.

"Kate sweetie, who was at the door?" 

"No one Gran, just someone asking for directions," she replied. She returned her focus to me and said, "let's go upstairs where we can talk." 

She sat in a white lounge chair and started messing with a stray lock of hair.

"What happened when you had to run out like that the other day? I mean, you were gone for like three days, was it really that bad?" 

I started scratching my cuts again behind my back and attempted to come up with a reason. 

"I-I was busy with work, sorry I didn't tell you. There's been a lot going on since we met. " 

I moved my arm from behind me to my side and Kate gasped.

"What? What is it? Did I say something stupid?" 

"No, Jack your arm is bleeding."

I looked down to see that blood was soaking through my hoodie. I must have reopened my cuts with my nervous scratching. My heart pounded hard against my ribs like it wanted out of its fleshy cage. 

"What happened?" She asked with a mix of shock and horror expressed on her face. 

"I... I don't know."

"You don't know? That's too much blood for you to not have noticed, let me see." She grabbed my wrist before I could snatch it out of reach and pulled up my blood-soaked sleeve. 

"Holy hell."


	7. Chapter 7

"What is this Jack..." Her words seemed more like an accusation than a question.

Even though I knew it wouldn't work, I tried denial. "I have no clue, I mean when did that get there?"

She knew I was lying before I even finished. "What would make you do something like this? And I know you did it, so don't pull that with me again."

I couldn't look her in the eyes anymore, I was too ashamed. My hands started to shake and my breathing became labored.

"I-I can't talk about it. All you have to know is that I'm doing this because it helps, and I don't intend to stop."

"Jack, you have to, if you don't you could..." I could still feel Kates gaze scorching me like the sun even though she couldn't finish her sentence.

There was an agonizingly long silence to the point where I thought we might never speak or move again. My throat felt like it was closing and even though I was just barely breathing, there was sweat beginning to dampen my shirt. I so badly wished I could take off my hoodie and do a swan dive into a pile of snow to cool off, but I forgot how to move.

"I didn't ever plan on showing anyone this, I didn't think it would ever matter again because I don't do it anymore..." Kate broke the silence and I let out the breath I didn't know I was holding. 

When she didn't say anything more, I took a chance and glanced up at her. She moved her left arm to her right sleeve and began to tug it up, revealing purple lines of skin where several deep gashes once separated it.

"I can tell you that it does get better, whatever it is you're going through will pass. I said we were in the same boat, but we're only in the same river. Your boat is a little behind mine, but that's okay I can help you-"

Before she even finished her sentence, silent tears started to slide down my expressionless face.

I never let people see me cry, and yet that was the second time that day I'd broken down in front of someone. I wasn't even crying for me, I was crying for her. She was in enough pain to cut her own skin, just like me. I felt relief that someone understood what it was like, but at the same time I felt like enveloping her in a huge embrace and kissing her scars. How could someone so beautiful and kind ever feel as hopeless as I feel right now? This new knowledge cut me deeper than my skin could ever go, it cut straight into my soul and now it was pouring out my eyes.

"I-I'm sorry I didn't mean to make you cry, it'll be okay." Kate's voice gently coaxed me out of my thoughts.

I couldn't hold back anymore, my arms wrapped themselves around her of their own accord. At first her body was stiff, as if she wasn't used to affection, but soon her tense muscles melted and she hugged me back.

"Jack, you have to stop cutting for me okay? I know we just barely know each other, but please stop." Kate said as she rubbed her hand on my shoulder.

"I wish I could tell you what you want to hear Kate Alder. I wish I could tell you i'll be okay and promise to stop cutting...but I don't want to lie to you. I can't control my self anymore. I can promise you that i'll never leave you as long as you need me though."

I pulled away from the hug when I got too hot and reached for Kate's right wrist. I placed the most delicate kiss on the healed slash marks as a tear slipped down my face and to the floor.

"Jack...What are you doing? I'm fine, I don't need you to do this for me." Kate looked shaken up and that bothered me.

"I don't care if you don't need it. I want to do it because you deserve someone to tell you it's okay too, so please just let me."

Kate sat down on her bed and I could feel her eyeing my cuts.

"Does it hurt when you do it?" She asked all of a sudden.

"No, I don't really feel physical pain because of all the pain I feel inside."

After I finished my sentence I could feel the heat creeping up my neck. I couldn't believe I just told her that.

"Why do you ask?" I asked, trying to distract myself from what i'd just admitted.

"I was just wondering."

A long silence overtook us again and I wanted to be the one to break it this time.

"What about you?" I asked.

"What?"

"Did it hurt you?"

"Oh yeah, a lot."

"Then why did you keep doing it?"

"Because I want to feel literally anything else other than the suffocation that is my reality."

Kate wouldn't meet my gaze anymore, which made me sad; I missed her eyes.

"You said that like you still feel that way." I said.

"Thats because I do."


	8. Chapter 8

I don't understand how someone as beautiful and fragile as Kate, could feel so much pain. How did she not break? How did she have the strength to stop doing what made everything okay?

I had so many questions but my lips and tongue wouldn't listen to my brain.

"You should probably get home soon, get a good nights sleep." Kate sleepily dragged out her words until she ended with a yawn.

Her head had somehow ended up on my shoulder and her eye lids were struggling to keep from closing.

I think I might...

"On second thought...you should... just... stay." On the last word her eyes finally gave up their fight and her breathing fell into the rhythm of a peaceful dream.

I think I might...love her. I know I haven't known her long, but after 300 years every moment feels like a lifetime.

"Good night Kate." I whispered into her soft hair.

Suddenly my chest began to feel as if a thousand pounds were resting on it.

I gently laid her back and placed the covers just under her chin. I could feel her warm, sleeping breaths against my cold shaky hands.

How could I let myself fall for her? I know it's impossible; we live in two different worlds. She'll grow up, fall in love with someone who makes her happy, and eventually, she'll die. I don't get to have any of that, not even the sweet relief of death. No, my duty is to protect the children, and if I fell in love with Kate I would only hurt her.

I gripped my staff with all the grief in my iced over heart. She deserves someone better than me anyway.

I turned my eyes to the window to see the pitch black sky. I want to know what death is like, I want to see my family, and to be able to let myself fall in love.

No matter how hard I try, these dark thoughts are always lurking in the back of my mind. It's as if they're constantly waiting for the right moment to sink their claws into me.

Kate stirred behind me, dragging me back to reality.

I shifted my gaze to make sure she was still sound asleep, and then made my way to her window. 

I opened it and crouched on the edge.

I wonder if death is possible for me. What happened to Sandy when he was beaten by Pitch? Did he go to the heaven I've heard so much about, or just cease to exist? So many questions with no answers.

Maybe I could try to kill myself as an experiment?

The thought of death at my own hand didn't scare me at all. But the thought of one of my friends dying makes my heart ache. How could life mean so little and so much to me at the same time?

I don't understand anything thats swirling around my stupid head right now, I just need it to stop. I feel like my life is a series of unanswered questions.

My lungs stole a deep breath in a futile effort to keep me alive, and my legs leapt from the window not caring if the wind caught me or not.

* * * *

Though I knew the answers I needed weren't going to be there, I went back to the place Pitch and I fought.

I thought back to everything that happened that day. Pitch and I facing off, getting thrown into that pit, and my staff being broken. None of it added up. What did Manny mean when he showed me that day?

Maybe Baby Tooth would know...

Wait... Baby tooth... The memories...

"Is that what you meant?" I asked as I looked up to Manny.

The moon seemed the glow brighter as if smiling upon my realization.

I scrambled to my feet with staff in hand.

"Thank you Manny!" I shouted into the night sky.

I flew with newfound determination to Tooth Palace. This is it. I'm giving life one last chance.


	9. Chapter 9

"Okay, I can do this. I need to do this." I shook off my nerves and mustered up the courage to knock on the grand front doors of Tooth Palace.

Without hesitation, the twin doors opened like they'd been expecting me.

When I walked inside, I was greeted with the sound of busy wings and high pitched chirps. I watched the baby tooth fairies flying above all hard at work, when something small suddenly raced toward me. Baby Tooth gave a chirp of excitement as she nuzzled her tiny self into my neck as a makeshift hug.

"Well hello there, I missed you too Baby Tooth." I laughed and picked her up in the palm of my hand. "Do you know where Tooth is? I need to speak to her."

Baby Tooth nodded and motioned for me to follow. She led me to a gold and green room where Tooth was dishing out orders, and excitedly fluttering about like a mad woman. Little fairies buzzed overhead completing their duties with a sense of usefulness and pride. Seeing this only intensified my feeling of uselessness, but I was determined to change that.

"Oh, Baby Tooth perfect timing! I need you to go get with groups 26A and 26B and tell them everything that's on this list." Tooth held out a rolled up note. Baby Tooth took the note with a curt nod and flew back out the way we came.

After Baby Tooth had gone, Tooth turned to me with surprise. "Oh hey Jack, I'm sorry I didn't see you there, it's been really busy around here lately." She smoothed down some of the feathers on her head and smiled at me. "So, what brings you here?"

"Oh, uh, I was wondering if maybe I could see my memories again?" My face started to get hot and I felt a little nervous.

There's no reason for me to worry though, right? I mean they're my memories, it makes sense that I would want to know my past.

"Sure, Jack they're always here when you need them. I'll be right back."

As soon as she left I started to get even more anxious. What if my past is something I'll regret? What if it just makes my pain worse?

Doubt and worries filled my head and I couldn't help but have a mini panic attack.

My breathing was beginning to sound labored when Baby Tooth suddenly entered the room.

Her face went from full of cheer to concern when she noticed the state I was in.

I quickly turned away from her and covered my eyes with my arm so she couldn't read my expression. She fluttered up to me and put her tiny hand on my arm as if to say, 'what's wrong?'

"I'm okay Baby Tooth really I-I'm just a little nervous, that's all," I stammered. "Do me a favor and please don't tell Tooth about this, okay? I don't want her to worry about me." I had to whisper the last part. I feared that if I didn't, my walls would crumble. Too many people have already seen me break down and I didn't want to cause Baby Tooth any trouble.

Baby Tooth gave me a sad smile but nodded nonetheless.

Having someone else there calmed me down a little and I was in better shape when Tooth returned.

"Here they are, do you want some time alone?" Tooth asked as she set my memories carefully in my palms.

"Yeah, if it isn't too much trouble," I said nervously fidgeting with my hoodie strings.

"Of course, let's go Baby Tooth we can see him later." Tooth said, dragging the protesting fairy out behind her.

After they had both left the room, I chuckled to myself and found an oak chair to sit in. I suddenly felt the nervousness overtake me once again as my trembling hands hovered over my box of memories.

"I can do this. No matter what my past looks like, I need to know."

Without giving myself any more time to hesitate I brought my hand down on the little box. I held my breath and waited for the memories to play in front of my eyes like a movie. Nothing happened.

I tapped it over and over again, hoping that something would appear. Nothing. I let out a shaky, disappointed breath as my arms lost the ability to hold themselves up any longer. They fell limp to my sides.

I thought for sure, that after all this time, this was the answer. Maybe I did something wrong? Whatever had happened, I felt like I'd failed everyone that I didn't remember.

I felt so horrible at that moment, it almost wasn't real. A lump formed in my throat, but no tears would come. There wasn't any time for crying now. My last attempt at happiness failed, so where do I go? What do I do?

There's only one thing that I can do to relieve my pain and I knew it. I wish it could've worked out.

I made my way quietly out of tooth palace not even bothering to say goodbye.

****

It took 15 agonizing minutes to get to Jamie's house, and I only planned on being alive for another 10. I knocked on his bedroom window and it frosted up a little as he came over to open it.

"Hey, Jamie. Sorry for coming over all of a sudden."

"It's alright, I always have fun when you're over so I don't mind." Jamie smiled, putting a few cracks in my heart. "So, what can I do for the great Jack Frost?"

Great? No, I wouldn't say that; I'm selfish.

"Is it okay if I borrow some paper? I need to write a letter." I said while nervously scratching at my cuts behind my back.

"Sure, is it for a love letter?" Jamie giggled innocently.

"Yeah," I breathed, "something like that."


	10. Chapter 10

It took me 2 minutes to write the letter. I explained all the reasons why I had to go; I poured my whole heart out onto a page, yet something was still telling me to stay. Whatever it is, I have 8 minutes to sort it out.

I felt Jamie's hand rest on my shoulder, tearing me away from my nightmarish thoughts.

"I'm really glad you came today Jack, I was hoping you would come by soon. I've been needing someone to talk to about some things."

I couldn't bring myself to turn and face him.

"Like what." My voice was barely above a whisper, but it didn't seem like Jamie noticed.

"I've been thinking about... dying recently and-" I cut Jamie off by abruptly standing up and knocking the chair I was sitting on to the floor.

I grabbed Jamie by the shoulders and looked him in the eyes, not caring if he could read the pain in my face. "You listen to me and you listen good, don't you ever think about killing yourself, Jamie! Do you understand? You've got your whole damn life ahead of you, and you're like no one I've ever met before. You have a heart of pure gold, and if you ever try to take that away from this world I'll... I'll..." I trailed off, out of breath and out of time. Only 4 minutes left.

"You'll what?" Jamie questioned, "you can't do anything if you're dead, Jack."

My eyes widened with surprise. "But, how?"

"I had a feeling with the way you were acting when you got here, and then I peeked over your shoulder while you were writing." Jamie looked angry but I could tell he was hurt.

"I'm so sorry, Jamie. I never meant for any of this. I just can't fix the mess I've become, I gave it one last try but that failed and now there's nothing left." Suddenly all the tears that I was too numb to make before started to fall.

"That's not true. I don't know what you're going through but I do know that you have friends who are always going to be here for you. You have me, Tooth, Bunny, Sandy, and North and nothing will ever change that. I need you, Jack." Now Jamie was out of breath, "please stay."

1 minute left.

"I-I don't know how... to stay. Not after I promised myself I would die tonight. I don't know how I would bear it. I only have 1 minute to make a decision, it's not enough time." I clutched my head in my hands and tried to breathe.

"If you really wanted to die, it wouldn't be such a hard choice."

My breath caught in my throat at his words. He was right, I can't die.

My knees gave out, and I fell to the floor a mess.

Times up.

"You're right Jamie," I choked out between sobs, "I'm not ready to die yet. I'm sorry I did this to you... I'm sorry."

"You didn't do anything. Like I said before, I'm always happy to be with you."

*****

Jamie eventually fell asleep despite his best efforts to keep me company.

Though I was no longer planning to end my life, I wasn't feeling any better. I turned to the one thing that I knew I could count on: cutting.

I left Jamie's bedroom and crept into the bathroom down the hall. Before I began to form an icicle, my eyes landed on something sharper. Though I felt bad about it, I grabbed the razor from off of the black marble countertop. I was curious about how different this would feel from my ice. I dragged it across my skin without a second thought. Once, twice, ten times. The blood beaded up at the cuts before connecting and streaming down my arm.

I slid down the bathroom door and landed on the floor. Something had fallen out of my pocket and landed with a soft thud on a blue rug.

With barely any fight left in me, I turned my head to see what it was.

There I saw the memories Tooth had given me hours ago. I didn't remember where I had put them or if I even brought them; all I could think about was dying at the time.

I set down the bloodied razor and placed my fingers lightly on my useless box of memories.

"I'm sorry," I whispered.

I felt the little box start to get warmer and I heard a comforting voice.

"What th-" I was cut off by a sudden explosion of light from underneath my fingertips.

And finally, I could see.


	11. Chapter 11

I squeezed my eyes tightly, wanting the blinding explosion to go away. When the light gave way to darkness, my eyelids cautiously peeled open. Looking around, I was surprised to see that I was no longer sitting on Jamie's bathroom floor.

The floor of the small room was made of worn wood, and it smelled of dust and pine.

I heard the comforting voice again somewhere in the distance, though it was getting closer.

"Jack, wake up," said the voice.

My eyes were drawn to where the voice was coming from and there I saw my sister standing over a wooden bed and a dark haired me, fast asleep.

There was a dull ache blossoming in my head that quickly got sharper and sharper. I closed my eyes against the searing pain, and clutched my head in my hands. Once it felt like my head might explode, the flood gates opened and everything crashed through them at once.

I saw images of my life literally flash before my eyes. I remembered everything important that I had ever seen, heard, felt, smelled, and tasted. The good, the bad, the beautiful, it was all there once again.

I could remember how it felt to be alive.

I felt a wetness on my cheeks that for the first time in a long time, wasn't because I felt like utter shit.

The memories of my sister and I warmed my frozen heart. She was my best friend. Remembering my family and friends gave me the opportunity to actually miss them. It hurt to miss them, but it was a better pain than what I felt before.

Once I could remember everything up until the moment I died the splitting headache subsided, and I opened my eyes.

I was back on Jamie's bathroom floor still clutching my memory box.

I practically flew from the bathroom door all the way back into Jamie's bedroom. I wanted to tell him everything, but seeing his sleeping form as it slowly took in labored breaths stopped me in my tracks. Gently shaking him awake, I whispered his name.

"Jamie, wake up. What's wrong?" He woke with a start the third time I shook him, and sat up so quickly, that we knocked heads.

"Ow," Jamie groaned and rubbed his forehead.

I hardly felt any pain because I was still worried about him.

"Are you okay? Were you having a bad dream?"

Completely ignoring my interrogation about his well being, he let out a nervous laugh. "You know Jack, we have to stop meeting like this."

I frowned at him and leaned my arms on my staff. "Yeah yeah, we're both klutzes. Now tell me what's wrong."

Jamie's hand fell away from his forehead, and landed in his lap. "Yeah, I was having a bad dream. Even without Pitch around, I've still been having nightmares about things that have happened in the past."

"What things?" I asked, concern displayed on my face.

He looked hesitant as he opened his mouth and shut it again.

"I'm always here for you, Jamie. We're best friends aren't we? You can trust me."

He sighed and then took a breath before speaking. "My cousin... She was always in so much pain, and one day she decided she didn't want to live anymore. I found her with a knife to wrist about to kill herself Jack. I don't understand how life is so fragile, it can just be taken away like that. I grabbed the knife away, but what if I hadn't been there? She would have died..." Tears welled up in his eyes as he trailed off. When one of them spilled over, I swiped it away with the sleeve of my hoodie.

"I'm sorry, Jamie. That's not something that you should've had to go through, and I probably didn't help with everything that happened last night. You don't have to worry about me though, I'm gunna be okay."

He sniffled and wiped away a few more tears as he asked, "why do so many beautiful people feel so much pain? It isn't fair Jack."

I pulled my frail little friend into a hug and stroked his hair. "I don't know. I don't... have all the answers, but I can say that the strongest and most beautiful hearts are forged from the fires of pain. I think... everything we experience is to make us stronger."

I couldn't believe the words coming out of my own mouth. It was like I was just beginning to know myself. My memories had changed me; they had put the light back in my soul.

"Wow, when did you get so wise? I thought that was my job." Jamie giggled as I ruffled his hair.

"Yeah, well I've been enlightened just recently." I said as I took out my memories and wiggled them at him.

"What's that?" Jamie asked.

"My memories from when I was alive. I couldn't remember anything about my family or who I used to be, until tonight."

"Was that why you were sad?"

I looked down at the little golden box and laughed. He really was good at this. "Yeah. I was mad at myself for not remembering my sister or my mom's name. I died protecting my sister because she was my best friend. They deserved to be remembered, but now I just really, really miss them." I smiled sadly at my hand covering the memories as I finished.

"Well, what were their names? I want to know them too, so I can thank them in my mind for giving me my best friend." Jamie smiled, completely unaware of the importance his words held for me.

I looked up at Jamie in realization, and gaped at him for a second before I found my words.

"M-my sister's name... was Molly, and my moms was... Rebecca."

For the first time in 300 years, I could finally say your names. I could also finally say that I absolutely love you both with all of this broken heart.


	12. Chapter 12

I continued telling Jamie all about my life until the sun started climbing it's way up the horizon.

"I think it's about time I get back to being a guardian now, I've been away long enough. I'll be back to visit soon."

I stood from his bed and grabbed my staff with a genuine smile on my face. For the first time since I found out about my memories, I felt like I was going to be okay.

Jamie smiled back and replied, "promise?"

"Yes, I promise. See ya later, kid." I said as the wind blew open a window and carried me from his bedroom.

Once I was high in the sky, I looked at my staff and smiled. I could feel a chill coursing through my veins as snow started falling from my fingertips. It was a light flurry at first, but soon heavy snowflakes were coming down on our small town, covering it in a blanket of white. The sun was nearly at its peak now, shining down and making the flakes glitter like diamonds.

Looking at the beauty all around me, I felt lighter than I had in hundreds of years. The boulder that was weighing my heart down was lifted and I could finally have some real fun. I wanted this moment to last forever so I could soak up every bit of it, but I had a job to do.

Carefully, I started to descend towards a group of children playing in the snow. The wind set me gently on my feet and shoved me toward them with a gust of chilly air.

"What, you want me to play with them?" I asked with a half smile on my face.

She responded with another shove, and suddenly, I understood. She wanted me to get them to believe in me.

"You want to hear the truth?" I whispered into the breeze.

She shook the trees in a nodding motion, urging me to continue.

My talks with the wind were mostly one-sided since she can't very well respond with a definite answer, just hints and gentle shoves in the right direction. Even though she's a spirit like me, I'd never seen her take solid form. I always wondered who she was and why she became a spirit, but I could never ask her because she could never answer.

"I-I'm afraid of rejection," I stammered. "For 300 years no one could see me, no matter what I tried. I got lucky with Jamie and his friends, but what if this time I'm not so lucky?" I leaned my head on my left arm which was resting on my staff as the wind ruffled my hair.

Most of the time the wind is gentle and caring, like a mother. This was not one of those times. She stubbornly blew snow in my face, some of it sticking to my eyelashes and brows making them glitter under the sun.

"Hey!" I laughed, "what was that for?"

Another shove.

"Okay, okay, I'll try. Geez, you don't give up without a fight do you?"

She blew the trees in a horizontal dance to let me know that, no, she does not.

I ran my left hand through my hair with my staff still in it and started toward the children.

There were four of them, all boys, and all around Jamie's age.

"Okay, I can do this." I breathed to myself.

I strode toward them with less than an ounce of confidence that I hoped wasn't crushed by the end of this.

"Over here, Greg!" Shouted the boy farthest to my right. He had a thick blue winter coat on, paired with grey gloves and snow boots. He was taller than the others and had fiery red hair as well as freckles that scattered around his brown eyes. "We're gonna take on Matt and Cam. Here take this," said the tall boy to the one he called Greg and passed him a snowball.

Greg looked a little less than enthused about it, but he took the snowball nonetheless.

Greg was around Jamie's height and had dark hair and blue eyes. Something about his eyes reminded me of how I had been just recently. They were very telling; if you looked hard enough you could tell he wasn't having any fun.

"Aw, what's the matter dude? Don't worry, I have just the thing," I said to him as if he could hear me.

I formed a careful snowball full of fun and joy with my hands and frosted it with my breath. Then, I launched it at his back. I waited for the epic moment that I existed for; the moment where I brought someone joy.

Greg looked over his shoulder indifferently and shrugged it off when he couldn't find the source of the snowball.

There was no change in his mood, no happy smile on his face, and no fun.

Half of that 'less than an ounce' of confidence was now crushed.

My eyes were distracted from Greg when the tall kid chucked a snowball right at either Cam or Matt's face; I still haven't figured out which is which.

"Ooh!" I winced just watching. Now that I have my memories back, I could recall how bitterly cold snow could feel. "That looks rough my friend," I said with a halfhearted laugh.

"I am so going to get you for that Brandon!" He said trying to rid his face of the relentless sting of the cold snow.

"Ah, so your name is Brandon. Now, just to figure out which one of you is-"

"I'd love to see you try, Matt!" Brandon shouted as he scrambled for more ammo.

"Well, I guess that answers that." I chuckled to myself.

When I looked around, I noticed that Greg had started walking away from his friends with a blank look on his face.

"Hey, Greg! Where are you going? I need backup." Brandon shouted over his shoulder just before he got smacked straight in the face with a snowball. He toppled to the ground with an 'oof' but got right back up and started laughing again.

Greg looked over his shoulder with no emotion on his face as I flew closer to him. "I'm just going to go do some homework..." Then quieter, he added, "you don't really need me anyway."

He continued walking and didn't look back at his friends again.

My brows knit together in concern as I started to follow him. Something seemed to be bothering him and I wanted to make sure he got home okay.

Greg however, didn't plan on going home from the start. He walked at least a mile before settling down in front of a river that was all too familiar. It was the same place I used to come when I was depressed. This place was bringing back feelings that I didn't want to feel ever again.

Though they were painful, I had to shove them to the back of my mind. The most important thing right now was making sure Greg was okay. I didn't exactly know how I was going to manage that if he couldn't see me, but there had to be something I could do.

Greg was staring at nothing in particular when he let out the most heartbreaking sound. It was full of a sense of defeat and despair that I couldn't quite put into words.

I needed to think of something to distract him quickly. The only thing that came to mind was trying another enchanted snowball, so I went for it. This time I threw it at his foot so I didn't make him feel any colder than he probably was. His jacket was made for fall conditions and he wasn't wearing a hat or gloves.

When the ball of snow hit his foot and broke apart, he looked around with an expression of shock and confusion.

"Who did that? Is there someone there?"

This was my chance, I didn't think twice about rejection this time; Greg needed me.

I carefully carved my name into the snow with the tip of my staff and watched as his eyes went wide when he finally saw me. His surprise quickly turned into a look of embarrassment as his fair cheeks went pink.

"What... H-how long have you been here?" He stammered.

"The whole time." I shrugged and smiled a friendly smile at him in an attempt to make him more comfortable, but it only made his blush deepen. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you or anything, I'm here to help."

"Help? With what?"

"Whatever it is you need help with?" I said as more of a question than a statement. "The truth is, I don't really know why I followed you here. I just got a feeling from the look on your face that you might need a friend." I awkwardly tried to explain myself as I felt my cheeks get a little hot as well. This was one of the rare moments when I wish someone couldn't see me.

It was the most awkward encounter I had ever had in my entire existence, yet I couldn't help but burst out laughing.

"What? Did I do something weird? I'm sorry." He said shyly.

"No, no you're fine. I just... I see a lot of myself in you."

"Oh," Greg said flatly.

He was starting to get that blank look on his face again. I had a feeling that look meant something was seriously upsetting him.

"Hey, you wanna see something cool? I've been perfecting this technique for a few weeks now so let me know what you think."

I painted an outline of a bunny with my frost on the rivers frozen surface, and then with an upward motion of my staff, I made it come to life.

"Woah," Greg exclaimed. "That is pretty cool."

"See? Would I lie to you?" I said with a smirk.

"I don't know, I only met you like five minutes ago."

"Fair enough," I said laughing.

The bunny pranced around the air and circled Greg's head. He reached a curious hand out to touch the ice rabbit, but it exploded into a flurry of snow.

"Oh, I haven't figured out how to make them solid yet, sorry about that. Here I'll make another one."

I turned my back to make another when the snow from the ice bunny fell upon Greg's nose.

"No it's okay, I feel better."

"Really?" I asked hopefully.

When I turned around the features of Greg's face were softer and less pained.

Did the enchanted snow work this time?

"How do you feel?" I asked when I noticed he was just staring at the flakes unmoving.

"Like..." he paused for a moment before his lips turned up into a mischievous smile. "Like doing this!" He shouted joyfully as he tossed a snowball at my head.

I dodged it of course because I'm the king of snowball fights.

Laughing playfully, I threw one back.

After it was well past sunset, we sat down exhausted.

Still out of breath, I panted out, "You know, this is the first great day I've had in a really long time."

"Really? But you're so cool- pun intended. I'm sure everyone loves you." Said Greg with a hint of sadness in his voice.

"Yeah, maybe if they could see me. Only people who believe in me can see me because I'm a spirit."

"That seems lonely," Greg stated as he looked over at me.

"Yeah, it was."

But now, I think everything is going to be okay.


	13. Chapter 13

"How did you do it?" Greg asked with a serious tone as he looked at me.

"Do what?"

Greg hesitated and tore his gaze away from mine, trying to hide his face. "How did you get through the hard times?"

I sighed, not wanting to spill my guts to this poor unsuspecting child, but I had a feeling he needed to hear my story. "I didn't deal with it in a healthy way... I still don't, but I can tell you that it would've been easier if I had let people help me at the start. Now that I'm this far gone I don't know if can..." I grit my teeth and closed my eyes hard against the anxiety growing in my chest. "I don't know if I can ever get out of my old habits. The best way to deal with it is to talk about it and not keep it all bottled up. Whatever you're feeling, don't take it out on yourself if you know what I mean."

Okay, that wasn't so bad, I thought. I hinted at cutting but I don't know if I could ever say it outright.

"You mean, you cut yourself?"

I was shocked that he actually caught on, half of me hoped he wouldn't. "Yeah, I do." I nervously rubbed at my neck and looked over at him, trying to catch a glimpse of his face.

Greg's eyes were glazed over and he looked as if he was somewhere else entirely in his mind."It's pretty late, I should probably get back," Greg muttered as he started to push himself off of the snow laden ground. He turned and started walking away from me.

"Wait, I'm sorry did I say something wrong?" I asked desperately not wanting to lose my new friend.

He stopped in his tracks and looked down at the ice on top of the river. "No, it was nothing. I'll be back here tomorrow night if you want to meet up again. See ya," he said flatly.

Once I could no longer see him I turned around to leave. It's about time I went back to the North Pole and saw Pitch. As much as I don't want to admit, I need his powers on this one.

I flew into North's factory through an open window and spotted Phil building a tower of colorful toys. "Hey, Phil, where's Pitch?"

Phil jumped at my voice and bumped into the table that held his masterpiece, nearly knocking it over. He managed to get it stable again and breathed a sigh of relief. As he turned to me he flung his left arm out to point me in the right direction, but hit the toys and made them tumble to the ground in the process. He threw his head back with a groan and smacked his face on the table.

I chuckled and said, "Thanks."

Somethings never change, I'm thankful for that.

I found Pitch sitting in a corner by himself meditating, or at least that's what I think he was doing.

"Pitch?" I said feeling a sudden rush of nerves. "Can I talk to you?"

He opened his previously closed eyes to meet mine. "What's wrong?"

"What? Nothing, I'm fine. It's just that I met this kid named Greg and I was wondering if you could..." I swallowed hard against the words that were about to come out of my mouth. "If you could help me."

Without saying a word, Pitch stood up and stepped toward me. Every step closer he took, I took another one back. We kept up this dance until my back was at a wall. Slowly and gently, Pitch's right hand rose to my forehead and the other to my chest. There was nothing malicious about his movements and nothing about him told me I should be scared, but I still was.

"What are you-" I was cut off by a sudden rush of information, memories, and experiences all from Greg's past. It felt as if it lasted years but only a few moments had passed.

I knew more about Greg now than I was supposed to and more than I wanted to. It was a total invasion of privacy to have this much knowledge of someone's life, yet I couldn't find it in myself to be angry. There wasn't any room for anger, only an intense sadness filled me.

One single tear rolled down my cheek for him; I wouldn't allow myself to pity Greg because I knew how terrible it could make you feel.

"Why... Why did you show me all that?"

"You need to know what the problem is in order to help someone."

My mind was starting to race and I couldn't keep track of my thoughts.

I thought that I could do this but now I'm starting to see that this is different than anything I've dealt with before.

"It's okay, I can help you figure this out."

I hate that he always knows what I'm thinking. Get the hell out of my head.

"You know I can't do that," said Pitch.

"What, there's no off switch? It's kind of none of your business what I'm thinking."

"Actually Jack, it's my job to know what you're thinking. I need to know so I can help you."

"Yeah well, maybe I don't want your help!" I didn't realize I had yelled until it was too late.

It felt like anything that had eyes, had them on me. My cheeks were starting to turn a deep red and I couldn't bear to be around anyone at the moment.

I ran for at least two minutes, getting myself lost in the labyrinth of North's palace. I rounded a corner and leaned up against a wall to catch my breath.

"Well way to go, Jack, you went and shit all over that situation," I said mockingly to myself.My mind had been a pretty optimistic place since I got my memories back but now that I was failing at my only purpose, I couldn't help but feel like crap.

I just wanted these feelings to go away but there was only one way for me to accomplish that. I didn't even bother to take my time, I just knew that I wanted myself to bleed and I wanted it as soon as possible. I dragged a sharp icicle across my wrist three times and was going for a fourth when I heard footsteps.

I quickly hid the icicle in a nearby plant and pulled my sleeve down on my still bleeding arm just as Bunny came around the corner.

"Hey Mate, where have you been?"

"Oh um you know just here and there, threw a few snowballs, the usual."

I have to say that was the most awkward sentence I've ever composed in my lifetime.

"Yeah... Sure well North wanted to talk to you for a minute."

I opened my mouth to protest seeing as how my arm was about to bleed through my hoodie and everyone would know my secret, but I never got the chance.

"I actually really need Jack for a minute if you don't mind Bunny."

I turned to see Pitch coming from the other side of the hall with a calm look on his face.

"Alright, I'll tell Mr. Jolly that he'll have to wait then." Said Bunny as he retreated back the way he came.

I slid my back down against the wall until I was on the floor. My head practically fell into my hands as I suddenly felt a wave of exhaustion.

There was an awkward silence that followed Bunnie's fading footsteps. Pitch broke the silence that probably would've lasted forever had it been up to me.

"Are you glad that I can hear your thoughts now Mr. Frost?"

"Haha very funny, leave me alone," I said with a lackluster tone. I didn't actually want to be alone which I knew he already knew.

He sighed and reached his hand out for me to grab when I found the strength to look up again.

"Come on, let's go get you cleaned up."


	14. Chapter 14

"Hold out your arm" Pitch said as he came toward me with bandages and gauze in hand.

"What? No," I said as I did the opposite of what he told me and pulled my arm closer to my chest.

"Jack, I just want to make sure they don't get infected."

I didn't want bandages because I liked to look at the cuts. In a sick and twisted way, I thought they were beautiful. I wanted to be able to see the one thing on me that I thought looked good.

Pitch heard my thoughts and sighed, "you may like them now but if they get infected, they'll be the opposite of beautiful."

After a moment more of hesitation, I reluctantly stuck my arm out for him.

I watched as he wrapped my arm carefully and gently. It was strange to think of Pitch and the word 'gentle' in the same sentence. If someone a month ago had told me that Pitch would ever turn good, I would've laughed in their face and locked them in a mental institute for the sake of their sanity.

"I can still hear your thoughts, Jack"

Pitch's voice startled me out of my thoughts and heat started to creep it's way up my face; I forgot he could hear me.

"It's okay I won't take offense to anything you think about me. I know I wasn't exactly a good person," Pitch explained as he finished wrapping my arm.

"Thanks," I said uncomfortably. "Can I ask you something?"

"Sure, what is it?"

"Why haven't you told the other guardians about me yet? The cutting, I mean"

Pitch thought for a moment before responding with, "because it's not my secret to tell. My job is to help the children in need, in a way you're one of those children, Jack." He let that sink in before continuing. "It would do nothing to help your condition if I told them."

It was true, my condition would probably only get worse if the guardians knew. They were the one thing in my life that was unchanging and solid, I didn't want them to treat me differently because I cut.

Suddenly, another question came to mind, one that I didn't want to voice aloud, but guessed that he probably heard anyway.

"What's so bad about cutting? I mean, I'm not killing myself or hurting anyone else, so why does it matter to you?"

Pitch thought a little harder this time, and apparently decided to answer my question with another question. "Let me ask you this, how would you feel if Jamie or one of the other guardians started to cut?"

I never answered his question, the words wouldn't go past my throat. Instead, I broke down crying. Pitch pulled me into a hug and just let me get it all out. Having never let anyone hold me while I was in such a state, I felt strange. Nevertheless, I let it happen, for I was so very tired of being alone.


	15. Chapter 15

By the time I had gathered myself again, the sun had begun to set.

"Great, I wasted a whole day feeling like a flaming trash can," I sniffled.

"That's quite the specific interpretation of things," Pitch said humorously. "Are you any better now?"

"Yeah, now I'm like an ordinary trash can."

"At least it's an improvement."

We both laughed at his statement. I had noticed myself warming up to the former bogeyman. We were almost...friends.

"Well, I had better go see what North wants before it gets too late, I've kept him waiting long enough."

I made my way quickly towards North's office. If I was planning to meet with Greg again tonight, I needed to be quick.

As I knocked on his door, I heard a commotion coming from the other side of the door. I got too curious to stand outside and wait, so I opened the large door and peeked around it.

Turns out someone gave the elves candy again, those pointy idiots were off their rockers. One incessantly blowing into a horn, another trying to steal a plate of cookies North held above his head, and a third clinging to his leg for dear life as the big man stumbled about the room.

The sight was too hilarious not to laugh at, and so I did, I burst out laughing. North and the elves froze and turned toward me.

"Oh, Jack, hello. Have a seat," North said as ripped the elves off of him and shooed them into the hall.

When I caught my breath I asked, "You wanted to see me?"

"Ah yes, that," the big guardian exclaimed as he eased himself into the chair at his desk. He folded his hands and rested his elbows on the oak surface, then he just stared at me. I was getting very uneasy.

When the silence got nearly unbearable, North spoke. "How are you, Jack?"

"Me? I-I'm fine, how are you?"

"I would be fantastic if those pointy heads would stop stealing my cookies," North scowled. "But nevermind that, back to you," he blurted out, smiling again. "You haven't been being yourself."

"What? Yes, I-"

"Is it because Pitch is here now?"

"No, I actually-"

"Come on, boy, talk to me. I'm a good listener." He sat forward in his chair as if to urge me to talk.

North is good at plenty of things, but listening was not one of them.

"It's not Pitch," I blurted out as fast as I could for fear of being cut off again. "I-I had gaps left in my memory, but it's taken care of now."

North looked me up and down for a minute before deciding I had given a sufficient answer. "Good, I will need you at full strength now more than ever. There's something coming, I feel it in my belly" He grabbed his round stomach and shook it for dramatic affect.

"It's probably just indigestion from all those cookies you eat," I laughed as I stood.

"Laugh all you want, the belly hasn't been wrong yet."

I rolled my eyes jokingly and turned to leave.

"Jack," North stopped me right as I was about to open the door.

"Yeah?" I asked turning back around to face him.

"Tell me if you ever aren't fine, okay? It can be disastrous for a guardian if they stray too far from themselves."

"What do you mean?"

"It can make us sick and even kill us if we lose our center. Our centers are the reason Manny chose us; if we lost them, there would be no more use for us."

"All right, I'll tell you if I ever feel like I can't handle things," I said and walked out before he responded.

I didn't exactly lie, I fully thought I had everything under control.

****

I was too deep in thought to feel up to flying to the river, so I planned to walk the whole way there. My legs carried me against the flow of traffic on the busiest sidewalk in town, as my mind pondered what North had said. The part about getting sick didn't make sense to me, I had been depressed for a while and I wasn't sick. 'Maybe it takes a while to set in? I should be fine by then-

A feminine voice calling my name pulled me from my thoughts.

"Jack!" Kate yelled as she waved her hands at me. People looked back to see what she was waving at, but they saw nothing. To them, she looked crazy.

Once she made her way over I said, "keep your voice down, these people will think you're nuts."

Her face lit up in understanding and she lowered her voice. "Why can't you get them to believe like you did with me?"

I looked at Kate and then at the ground. "Because it's different; they're adults. They gave up on believing a long time ago."

"That seems rather sad, for them I mean." She sighed and then continued. "They'll never know the magic right in front of them." She paused for a moment, as if forming an idea. "We should at least try to tell them, just in case."

The more I got to know Kate the more I saw how free spirited she was. She had a magnetic beauty that I never wanted to be without, but I knew I could never tell her how I feel; we're from completely different worlds. "Yeah, maybe," I breathed with a hitch in my voice.

"So where are you headed, Jack?" She asked with a bounce in her step. If she noticed the twinge of pain in my words, she didn't show it.

"I'm going to meet a friend at the river, you can come if you want," I said hoping she would.

"I would love to," she beamed.

After a while of walking, Kate looked uncomfortable.

"We still have quite a ways to walk, are you going to be okay?" I asked.

"Oh, yeah, I'll be fine. It's just, these dumb shoes aren't feet friendly."

I looked down at her high-heeled boots. They made my feet hurt just by looking at them.

I wanted to help, but I was afraid to touch her; I didn't want to fall any deeper in love with her. This much is already dangerous enough, but, I can't keep away from her. Deciding against listening to my head, I followed my heart instead.

"Kate, close your eyes," I said as I stopped walking.

"What, why?" Kate stopped just ahead of me.

"Just do it," I said playfully.

She closed her eyes. "Okay, I trust you."

Her words made me smile as I grabbed her hand and left the ground.

"Okay now open them."

"Holy crap, Jack what are you doing?" She laughed hysterically. "Put me down, someone will see me."

"No way, it's fun!" I shouted as I soared through the sky with Kate's hand grasped in mine.

Kate and I hollered and laughed with excitement as I weaved over and under street lamps and telephone poles.

People on the sidewalk had wide eyes and wore confused looks on their faces, but Kate wasted no time clearing it up for them.

"Kate? Kate Alder? What on Earth is going on?" Questioned an older woman walking her dog.

"It's Jack Frost Mrs. Goodwin!" Kate shouted over her shoulder as we sped past the dumbfounded woman. I landed us on top of a small flower shop, so Kate could talk.

"Jack who? Sweetie get down from there, I don't know how you did that, but you'll hurt yourself."

"No ma'am, Jack's got me." she giggled enchantingly at a joke I didn't get. "Jack Frost is a spirit but you can only see him if you believe. I need you to believe though, so I don't look crazy."

Mrs. Goodwin's eyes widened indicating that she saw me, making my eyes widen as well. "Kate you did it!" I hugged her in celebration. "She sees's me." One after the other I could feel the people on the sidewalk begin to believe in me.

"If you want to make people believe in a miracle, show them one," said Kate.

Kate was right in more ways than one. She made Mrs. Goodwin believe in me by seemingly flying, and she made me believe that anyone, no matter how lost, could always believe again.


	16. Chapter 16

(Pitch's point of view.)

Pitch walked over to the couch in his room and laid down. North had been nice enough to give him a room at the North Pole even after everything that he did to the guardians. If he were in North's shoes, he would not have been so merciful.

A shiver ran through Pitch as other people's thoughts played in his ears. The thoughts were dark and cold; Everything he used to be. Every day, it got harder and harder to tell which thoughts weren't his, and every day, the thoughts got darker and darker. This was his eternal punishment, and it was okay with him. He knew he deserved it.

The former bogeyman suspected there was a darker force at play here, but he couldn't tell what it was just yet. It was the only explanation he could think of for the drastic increase in depressed kids, but In all his years of ruling the darkness, he had never come across a being that could tamper with one's thoughts. As far as he knew he was the only ever real threat to the guardians. Pitch thought it best to keep his theory to himself until he had further evidence to back it up.

As pressing as that matter was, Jack was his first priority. His thoughts were almost always the loudest, and Pitch feared he was losing himself. He had never told Jack this but Pitch had been doing everything he could to keep Jack from getting sick. The bogeyman was not only able to hear the thoughts of those in need but he could also suggest a thought or feeling when needed. He had never told the other Guardians this, for fear they would think he would use it for evil. All PItch had used it for was to suggest the feeling of hope for Jack so he wouldn't lose himself. When a guardian loses their center they get sick, and then they die. Pitch had been holding that off for as long as possible, but there isn't anything more he can do, Jack will show signs in less than four hours. 

Pitch sighed as another round of terrible thoughts passed through him. He sent out feelings of hope and comfort to let them know that they weren't alone. This was all Pitch could do for them, seeing as they no longer believed in him and would probably be scared of him if they did. It was better this way. He was something best left unnoticed, nothing more than a comforting whisper easing the pain.

Pitch looked across the room at a big window that framed the moon perfectly. "Manny I do hope you have something up your sleeve. There are too many kids dying, and I can only stop so many of them for so long."

The wind picked up outside and howled against the window, before blowing it open with a powerful gust. Pitch's papers and books were scattered about the floor before the dark man got up and closed the window. He had been researching old urban legends and myths about anything that could screw with the human psyche for weeks. So far he's only combed through half of what was in Norths library, but hadn't found anything. Now that everything was scattered it would take him a month to even find where he left off, and by then it might be too late.

Pitch sighed as he got to work picking up papers and books. His fingers stumbled upon a book that had been blown to a page somewhere in the middle of it's thousands of others. The page was in greek and held a picture of what looked to be a spirit of sorts lurking over a human. The dark man read the words below the picture and tried his best to translate them.

"The title says 'Ο τρώγων πνεύματος' which translates to..." Pitch paused and blinked at it a couple of times before continuing. "The Spirit Eater."

Pitch read the rest in his head, not wanting anyone to overhear. Pitch translated it as fast as he could on a scrap piece of paper. As he read, his pencil fell from his hand. It said, 'The Spirit Eater is an abomination and nuisance to humanity. If left alone, it can cause catastrophic damage. It eats away at human joy until there is nothing left to live for. Once the eater claims enough souls, it will take human form and walk the Earth again. Weaknesses: unknown.'


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has mentions of molestation so please be cautious when reading, I don't want to trigger anyone<3

After Kate and I did some explaining to my new believers, I let the wind sweep us into the sky and in the river's direction. I could feel a new sense of belonging rushing through me, and I was holding the girl that I maybe sort of love. Things couldn't be better, and that's why they got worse instead, because what goes up must come down. My stupid brain let the bad thoughts poison the good ones. It seemed as if every time I was happy, I started to think 'what if I mess this up?' or 'what if this isn't good enough?' I knew somewhere in my mind that there was a possibility that even though Kate got a handful of adults to believe, they might just forget me again the next morning. What's to stop them from thinking it was just a weird dream? And the thing with Kate? It never going to happen. She's from the world of the living, and I'm from the world of magic and spirits. Plus, I doubt she sees me as anything of importance to her. Though to be fair, I don't think anyone thinks I'm important .

As my self hate was rising to the surface of my brain, so were my bad habits. All I wanted to do was cut, and I didn't know why. So many good things were happening just moments ago with Kate, and I'm on my way to see Greg, so why?

"Hey, Jack, are you okay?" Kate questioned as she waved her hand in front of my eyes.

"Huh? Yeah I'm fine, why wouldn't I be?" I asked as I snapped out of my daze.

"Well, after we landed, it was like you didn't even notice, you were just staring off into space."

Kate was right, I didn't notice that the wind had set us down at the spot where Greg and I agreed to meet.

"Sorry, I'm just... tired I guess."

"Jack, you haven't been cutting again have you?" Kate asked worriedly.

"No, I haven't since..." I trailed off, remembering I had already cut today even though nothing particularly terrible happened. I'm starting to realize the sick fact that I might just be cutting because I enjoy marring my own skin. I also realized that I never told Kate what was really bothering me, or that a couple of days ago I was ready to kill myself as an experiment. I'm so stupid sometimes.

Kate's face contorted in confusion, but before she had the chance to question me further Greg came into view.

"Hey, Kate could you give me and Greg a few minutes to talk? I have something I have to talk to him about privately," I said cheerily, careful not to let my voice expose the scary thoughts in my mind.

"Yeah, sure. I guess I'll go downstream a bit and take some pictures of the river or something. Call me over if you guys need anything." Kate smiled sweetly as she waved at Greg who was approaching us slowly.

Once Kate walked away, Greg came up to me looking surprised. "You came back. That's cool I guess..." Greg seemed like he didn't really want to be here. Maybe he only came just to see if I showed up. That thought stung a bit; I thought I had found a new friend in Greg, but he probably doesn't feel the same. "Who was that?" Greg spoke again, breaking me from my self depreciating thoughts.

"My friend Kate. Don't worry, she's really nice," I explained.

"Where's she going?" Greg asked.

"I asked her to give us some time to talk," I answered, waiting for him to ask more questions. I really should stop procrastinating; I need Greg to hear what I have to say.

"What... did you want to talk about?" Greg asked hesitantly, not really sure if he wanted to know the answer or not. Our last conversation ended in a bit of a soft spot for me. I'm assuming for Greg too, seeing as he's the one who broke it off so abruptly. 

"Well, I noticed you don't open up to people who care about you, and I know that that can be lonely..." I paused for a moment trying to keep from thinking about what Pitch showed me of Greg's life. "So, I-I was, uh," I stammered nervously. Taking a deep breath, I decided what I really needed to say to him, and then blurted it out so I wouldn't have time to change my mind. "I was wondering if you might consider opening up to me."

My plan was to never tell Greg that I already knew everything about him, but to let him tell me himself instead. It seemed like my plan was failing when all Greg did for a long time, was stare at his feet.

"So... I'll take that as a n-"

"It's not that I don't want to. I also really want to be your friend, but I'm scared," said Greg. I could almost feel the pain in the dark-haired boy's eyes, as I stared at them through his thick, youthful eyelashes.

I understand why he would be afraid, I would be too if I went through what he did, but I have to get him to tell me why he's afraid on his own.

"There's nothing to be afraid of, I can help you." Greg didn't seem to believe me just yet. I had to find something that would break down his walls, even just a little. "Greg, I can protect you, you can trust me," I said trying to convince him.

Greg seemed to suck in a quick breath at hearing my words, and I knew I had just made the tiniest crack in his walls, but it was enough for the words to start seeping out.

"I-I was..." Greg stuttered, still looking down at his feet. He took in a gulp of air, as if to muster up the courage to tell me everything. "If I tell you this, you can't tell anyone. If you do, he'll..." He trailed off, unsure of how much to say.

"I won't tell a single soul." After a long pause, I urged him to tell me more. "Who will do what Greg? I'm right here, I'm not going to let anyone do anything to you." I could see the moment my words sunk into his soul. The crack in his wall had made the wall crumble completely, and once the words came, he didn't stop until every last thing was said.

"Something bad happened to me last year. I was... I was molested. The man that did it told me that if I ever told anyone he would kill me. That wasn't when my depression started but that was when it got so much worse, oh yeah I forgot to mention that I'm depressed, but I guess you already could tell," Greg stopped only to chuckle at his self-sacrificing joke, and then to gasp for air. "My mother died when I was four and my father left us when I was born, so I had no one in the world. I was taken in by my aunt and uncle, but they don't care much for me. Every day, I think about if I was never born, maybe my mother would have died a little happier. She would have had a husband, and wouldn't of have had to struggle so much with her medical bills. She was so sick and in so much pain all the time, and it was my fault. I feel like I deserved to get molested as a punishment for what I did to my mother." By now he was panting from saying so much so fast. His eyes were glazed over with so much pain that when he looked at me, he broke down sobbing in my arms.

"It's all right Greg, I'm here. You can let it all out now." And that was all I could say to him in that moment. If I talked again, I would most certainly break my silent promise of never shedding another tear of pity for him again.


	18. Chapter 18

After a lot of tears were shed, Greg finally pulled away from me and said, "we should probably go get your friend now. I've been crying for like 15 minutes," he chuckled despite it being a very sad situation.

"Yeah, you're probably right, let's go properly introduce you to Kate," I said with a smile on my face as I clapped Greg on the back.

We started walking in the direction Kate had gone in, but with every step I took there was a ringing in my ears that only got louder and louder. Greg, who had gone a little ahead of me, didn't notice my face scrunch up in pain, or when I grabbed my ears to make it stop. Only when I let out a small grunt of pain and fell to my knees, did he turn around to look at me.

"Jack, what's wrong?" Greg's face was full of concern, but I could barely see it. Reality was going in and out of focus, and any words that could have been said, were lost to the incessant ringing. Flashes of this... creature came in and out of my mind, they were the only images I could see clearly. I was getting dizzy, and could no longer hold my body upright. I fell onto something soft and warm. And then I blacked out.

~* * *~

I opened my eyes, but all I saw was black. I thought I was blind until I looked down and saw that I could still see my pale, boney hands.

"Greg?" I shouted out into the endless black. All I got in response was my own voice reverberating back to me.

Where the hell am I?

"You're in your mind, Jack," a voice said dripping with extra venom to emphasize my name. It came seemingly from nowhere and everywhere all at once.

That voice... It's the same one I heard at Jamie's school. I had thought it was Pitch at the time, but hearing it again I know it's not. It still sounded all too familiar, but I couldn't place where I'd heard it before.

"Who's there?" I questioned the sinister sounding voice.

"You are," it said back.

I turned around and around, trying to make out anything in the inky blackness that surrounded me. I made one last dizzying round before I saw it. A form was starting toward me from the shadows. The closer it got, the more it looked like... me. Fully in view now, I could see that it was unmistakably me, but there was something off. He seemed darker in manner with the way he marred my face with a crooked smile.

"What... are you?" I asked, astonished.

"It's no fun if I tell you that now, is it?" His smirk stretched up sickeningly.

"Why am I here?" I asked through gritted teeth. Anger was building in my chest with every unanswered question.

"No need to get upset, Jack. I'm here to help you. I can give you what you need." My name came off his lips laced with honey and menace at the same time.

"What do you mean help? I don't need your help."

"On the contrary, Mr. Frost. Because I know something that you do not," the other me stated in a way that reminded me of a fox, slinking towards it's prey. It sent chills up my spine.

I couldn't quite figure out if I was annoyed because he seemed like the incarnate of pure evil, or because I was actually interested in what he had to say.

"I don't care what you know, let me out of where ever the hell this is."

"Oh, come now. Don't be like that, I know you do." He paused, as if deciding whether or not to reveal something. In the end, he settled on the former. "I know a lot more about you than you think."

That was the last straw. I gripped my staff so tight, one might have expected it to snap in half. "You have one more chance to give me an answer, then I blast you."

"Blast away. I'm untouchable, Jack."

My eyes narrowed and burned with raw intensity. "Explain. Now." I pointed my staff right at the center of his chest, yet he seemed unfazed.

"Let's making this a little more... interesting."

"What do you mean interesting?" My knuckles were a brilliant white, like i had gripped my staff so hard that my bones were breaking through my skin.

"Let's start with a puzzle of words." An even more sinister grin than before appeared on his face. "The more you can see, the less of you there will be. When you're all gone, under the dawn I will be."

What the hell?

"What the hel-"

Before I could finish my curse word, there was a flash of white that I had to close my eyes against. When I opened them again, the inky black world and the devilish version of me, were gone.


	19. Chapter 19

I was swimming in a sea of hazy existence. I was nothing and everything all at once. It was hard to tell if there was nothing to see, or if I was just unable to see. Either way, I had so many questions. If only I could keep a coherent thoug-

"Jack" 

What was that? That voice... it sounded so far away, how could I reach it? 

I started swimming faster toward something, or maybe away from it, I couldn't tell.

"Jack!" 

The voice was louder now, and I started to notice my chest hurt, a lot. It was hard to keep going. I wonder if it would upset the voice if I just let go? 

Letting go seemed so quiet... so peaceful. Why did it feel like a bad thing?

"Wake up, Jack!" The voice tugged at the thin edges of my conciousness one last time. 

No, I couldn't let go. Whoever was calling for me sounded desperate. I can't give up on them.

Giving all my strength, I made my last attempt to get my head above the water.

****

My body arched upward as my lungs filled with air. They stung like they hadn't expanded in 30 minutes. I flung my eyes open to see Kate, Greg, and Pitch all standing around me.

What the actual shit.

"Oh thank God, you're alive!" Kate exclaimed as she threw her arms around me.

"You had us all worried, kid. You weren't breathing when I found you," Pitch explained.

"What the hell is going on?" I asked once Kate finally released me from her death grip.

The three looked at each other worriedly, which didn't help to ease my racing mind.

"We don't know, Jack. We were hoping you could tell us that," Kate said with her brow drawn.

"Yeah, all I know is that you passed out when we went to find Kate. You stopped breathing five minutes later. I panicked and ran to get Kate, and that's when Pitch showed up and we brought you here," Greg stated. 

I looked around to see where 'here' was. We were in the same room Pitch had brought me to to bandage my arm; It was an infirmary of sorts. 

"Wait, Pitch how did you know where I was and that I needed help?" I asked one of the many questions floating about my mind. 

"Manny told me." 

"And he didn't tell you what was wrong with me? I really have no ide-" My ignorance was short lived however, as a memory of the darker Jack flashed before my eyes. I shot out of the bed I was laying in and searched the room for a piece of paper and a pen. When I saw one, I lunged for it and started writing something so fast, even I couldn't tell what it was. When I finished, I turned around and saw my friends staring at me in bewilderment. "Sorry, I don't know what came over me. I just really felt like I had to write something down." 

"Read it," Pitch said.

I looked down at the words as a shiver ran down my spine. I took a deep, shaking breath before I read, "The more you can see, the less of you there will be. When you're all gone, under the dawn I will be." 

"What does that mean, Jack?" Greg, who had been mostly silent throughout the conversation, piped up.

"I... don't know." I remember everything now. The awful thing that looked like me and how it spoke so condescendingly. "I had a... vision, I think. When I passed out I saw something that looked like me, only not me. It was evil, that much I could tell. But, it gave me this riddle before it left me. I think I'm supposed to figure it out or something? I-" 

"Jack what visited you was the Spirt Eater. It can make its self look like anyone or anything. If it came to you, that means it's attached itself to you. It makes people's minds sick, Jack. It makes you think awful things until you don't want to live anymore. I haven't told you this, but it's especially dangerous for you because you're a guardian. If you lose your center, you'll die," Pitch spilled everything he had been researching all at once. "I'm guessing that you passing out was the first sign of your sickness, and if that's the case then we only have about 48 hours until it's too late for you." 

My jaw was on the floor. I had thoroughly started losing my shit. "I- I had no idea. What do I do? What can I do? Is there anyway to reverse t-" 

I was cut off by a slap in the face. My hand flew to my cheek to ease the sting and when I had righted myself, I saw Kate.

"Get a hold of yourself. This douchebag left us a clue didn't he? The riddle, let me see it," Kate demanded.

"Remind me never to get on her bad side," Pitch said awkwardly.

Still in shock I handed her the riddle and thanked her for helping me regain my sanity.

"The part that says 'the less of you there will be' could be about his sickness right? Like him dying..." Kate trailed off. I could tell she was worried too just from the look in her eyes.

"Yeah, but what does 'the more you see' mean?" Asked Greg.

"Maybe..." I spoke up. I was hesitant because what I was about to say was hard to talk about, even if my life depended on it.

"Spit it out Jack, we haven't much time for insecurities," Pitch said.

I sighed, but I knew he was right. "Maybe it means the more that I hate about myself, the sicker I get. Y-you know because that's what's causing it and all..." 

You know what I hate about myself right now? My stupid sounding stutter and utter lack of self confidence, I thought.

Pitch gave me a look that said, 'I heard that,' but it quickly morphed into a look of concern. 

"What? Did I do something weird?" I asked Pitch, causing Greg and Kate to look at me.

Greg answered in Pitch's place, as he couldn't seem to find words. "No, Jack, your hair. It's turning... brown."


	20. Chapter 20

My hand flew to my hair, as if I could feel for something wrong. "It's what?"

Everyone in the room turned to stone as they stared at me.

They had to be lying. I was a spirit; my hair hadn't been brown since I died over 300 years ago. "Someone tell me this is a joke." My heart was like glass, breaking a little every time it beat against my chest. When no one burst out laughing, nor told me it was a joke, I grabbed a handheld mirror off the large wooden desk I had been leaning on. As my hair came into view on the reflective surface, my lungs seemed to forget how to work. Sure enough, there were a handful of brown strands standing out against the rest of my snow white hair. "How is this possible?" I managed to ask despite the seeming lack of oxygen in the room.

"I... I don't know." Pitch uttered delicately, as if the words would shatter if he wasn't careful with them. 

"Wait, what if this is another symptom of his sickness? Like the riddle says, 'the less of you there will be.' What if this is him losing his center?" Kate said seeming to regain her words after the initial panic.

"What happens when the last of his hair turns brown?" Asked Greg.

"I... will probably... die..." I trailed off.

Kate tried not to wince at the words, but ultimately failed. "But there has to be a way to beat this thing right? We have to try."

Greg's brows had drawn together, as he was deep in thought. "'When you're all gone, under the dawn I will be,' maybe that means that when our time runs out, Jack has to defeat the spirit eater 'under the dawn.'" 

"Maybe, but how am I supposed to find that? How much more abstract can you get with a saying? The bastard probably only said it so it would rhyme and he could send us on a wild goose chase." I knew what I was saying was negative, but I felt so helpless. I couldn't do much right these days, so what makes them think I can save myself? My wrists itched to be sliced open, and all I wanted to do was run away from the situation. I refrained from harming myself only because every part of my body felt as if it were filled with lead.

"Jack, stop thinking things like that, more of your hair is turning brown." Pitch scolded. "Look around, every person in this room knows how you feel. You're hopeless and can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, but that's what we're here for. We are your light, so let us help you." 

My gaze cast down to the floor, suddenly finding my bare feet very interesting. I didn't know if it was the monster taking over my thoughts or just my own self doubt, but I couldn't help but feel like he was wrong.

"Jack, I promise you, I will not let this monster win. No matter what it takes, we will stop him." Kate said reassuringly as she rested a hand on my shoulder.

I looked up to meet Kate's deep brown eyes, only to notice that they were forming glimmering tears. She never let a single one fall.

****

Pitch had spent hours reading through books on the right side of the library, trying to find anything about a 'dawn.' Kate and Greg were searching on the left side. I was supposed to be helping Pitch, but I couldn't seem to keep my eyes open. It was odd that I was tired, spirits never felt the need to rest. My eyelids were growing too heavy for me to question it as I finally gave in and rested on a nearby couch. As soon as I laid back I was consumed by sleep.

The darkness was all around me again. This time I knew what to expect, and at first I was afraid. I calmed my erratic breathing with the thought that maybe I would get another clue. Maybe we'll get one step closer to killing the spirit eater and I will never again have to see Kate cry for me.

"Welcome back," a foreboding voice boomed next to my ear.

I jumped and spun around quickly to see the evil version of me with that twisted grin clawing its way up my face. 

"Why am I here?" 

"It seems my riddle was too hard for you. I summoned you to see if I could be of service," the spirit eater said. He was acting almost gentlemanly. I could see from his ugly grin that he had other intentions though.

"Why would you want to help me? Aren't you trying to kill me?"

"On the contrary, Mr. Frost. I only wish to aid you in seeing the truth about yourself." He paced in circles around me, and I had to turn around myself just to keep glaring ice daggers at him. If looks could kill...

"I'm not interested in anything you have to tell me," I spouted defiantly.

"Oh? Not even if it helps you in your quest to find me?" He snickered to himself. "Think, Jack. Where do all of your problems lead back to? Under a dawn would be darkness, would it not? Your problems are pure darkness, you should know this better than anyone!" He was nearly yelling at me now. Throwing all of my pain back in my face.

"Shut up! I can't think! Just shut up!" I screamed as I sank to my knees covering my ears. The words he spat echoed louder and louder in my head until I was spinning. Spinning out of control. He was leading me deeper and deeper down a never-ending spiral until I felt like I might throw up.

I had had enough. The sheer scream of agony that escaped my throat surprised even me. But the spinning had stopped and I could finally form a thought again.

"All of my problems started when you showed up," I growled out still cradling my ears.

"Wrong. Try again. Think farther back, I wasn't what caused your misery, I just helped you realize it. When did everything start. To. Go. Wrong?" He asked with staccato. 

When did everything go wrong? How far back would that be? I had a happy life with my mom and sister when I was alive, so it has to be after I died...

My head raised up out of my hands as I gasped at my realization. 

"Yes, you've got it now don't you?" The demon before me bellowed out in a crazed laughter.

I got to my feet and started to stride over to the spirit eater. No matter how many steps I took though, he always stayed the same distance away."You can't hide anymore! We're coming for you and next time I won't let you win!" I used the last of my strength the shout those anger fuelled promises at him before I faded back into conciousness.


End file.
